Consentual Rape

 

            It’s not uncommon for women to fantasize about being raped. This may seem odd, since actually being raped is traumatic and definitely not enjoyable. However, a fantasy differs from a real-life experience in that the person fantasizing is completely safe, and the situation is under her control; with an actual act of rape, the victim has no control.

            In a rape fantasy, the premise is often that the perpetrator is so overcome by lust for the victim that he cannot help himself and must have her, which is a flattering scenario in theory. While in real life, rape obviously does not work this way, fantasies are constructed to suit the person having them, and may not be realistic.

            Some women with rape fantasies are uncomfortable admitting it, because they feel that it is perverted or wrong in some way. However, many have been able to come to terms and feel comfortable with their fantasy – some even choose to role play rape scenarios with a trusted lover. They may be dragged into a bedroom, blindfolded, tied up or handcuffed, and “forcibly” penetrated. Usually there is a “safe word” involved, and at its utterance all activity must stop immediately. This gives added security to the situation to ensure that it does not get out of the “victim’s” control. As you can see, this type of role play is not actually rape, since it is consensual, but has the aspects of rape, real or perceived, that the person finds erotic.

            Sometimes the lines between sexual assault fantasies and masochism overlap a bit as well, since they involve violence and often pain, such as a slap in the face. The only difference between an angry slap during a fight and an erotic slap during sex is context. In a certain context, the person is a “victim”; in another context, she is simply a victim, no quotation marks. Consent determines context, both for masochistic play and rape fantasy play – the person separates actual violence from consensual violent play.

            In rape scenario role playing, boundaries on what can and cannot happen during the sexual activity should always be discussed in detail beforehand, as well as the safe word the couple (or threesome, or foursome…) would like to use. All persons’ explicit consent should be obtained. As long as consent is respected and all participants are comfortable, rape fantasy play can be a normal, healthy sexual activity. If you don’t have rape fantasies, try to understand the reasons that other people do and be considerate. Making someone feel like a sexual alien only results in misunderstandings and resentment. I get that for someone that does not experience rape fantasies, the notion might seem very strange and uncomfortable; however, I always prefer to not judge people for what they like as long as they are not hurting themselves or anyone else. If you have rape fantasies, don’t worry – this is fairly common and does not mean you are “asking for it”; it just means that you have a different perception of sexy than the person standing next to you.