I feel like I need to restructure my online dating profile. Right now, it’s just a rambling mess. That’s an honest representation of myself, but it’s long as balls and I think most people don’t take the time to read it before sending, “hey” or “hey I like your paintings.” (which is an accurate representation of 99% of the messages I receive).
What’s the goal of an online dating profile? I mean, let’s streamline this shit. You say what you want, you say what you have to offer, you mention the baggage up-front (saves everyone time), you list your dealbreakers, you give people an opening conversation topic so they can prove they read the profile.

What I want:
- Ridiculously aesthetically good looking guy (I’m also a sapiosexual so I guess that does not matter.  ;-D)
- Likes board games (I’m talking Diplomacy, BSG: The Board Game, Power Grid, etc. none of your Monopoly, Risk, and Scrabble bullshit)
- Loves karaoke
- Says interesting things
- Shares my taste in television and movies (Twin Peaks, Venture Bros, Battlestar Galactica, Luck, Bob’s Burgers; Casablanca, Charade, Bladerunner, A Knight’s Tale, Die Hard)
- Thinks I’m funny
- Thinks I’m pretty and will sometimes mention that to my face
- Likes my art and my writing
- Will dance in the kitchen with me to 80s music
- Understands the importance of being Earnest

What I have to offer:
- Great cheekbones
- Great butt
- Great hair
- Great kisser
- Sometimes writes pretty stuff
- Sometimes paints pretty things
- Works hard
- Can cook
- Empathetic
- Often honest
- Good hygiene
- I have a solid five-year plan which is specific enough to give my life structure but flexible enough that it won’t conflict with almost any other person’s five-year plan

My baggage:
- I cheat
- I drink
- I work a wildly inconsistent schedule
- I talk a lot
- Sometimes I say ignorant things…because I’m still learning and growing. I don’t know everything, I don’t understand everything
- I’m an artist
- I’m pretty sure I only fall in love with people who are hot and good in bed, so it’s possible I don’t fall in love at all, I simply romanticize my lust (but I romanticize it well)
- I’m neurotic (especially when grocery shopping)
- I love board games and always want to play them - except the ones that I don’t like, which I will be resistant to playing. I’m basically a child in a larger child’s body
- I might leave Australia and go back to California at any moment
- I’m flighty

Dealbreakers:
- Racists
- People who are judgmental of my lifestyle choices
- Republicans
- Hawks
- Fascists
- Bigots
- Christians
- Gun enthusiasts
- Rebel scum

Possible conversation topics:
- Twin Peaks
- Battlestar Galactica
- Board games
- Art
- Writing
- Politics
- Sex
…
Is that too honest? Is it too bullet-pointy? Is it too much? Do I sound like a sex crazed alcoholic bohemian piece of shit? Seriously