Dear Ducky,
How do I clean and sterilize a vibrator?
Great question! Nobody wants a grimy vibe coated with cat hair.  This could be one of the most expensive toys you own, give it some TLC!
Cleaning a vibrator is actually as simple as cleaning real human skin: warm water and soap will suffice just fine. If your vibe is waterproof, just stick that thing in the sink and rub it down with your favorite body cleaning product, be it Tea Tree Tingle body wash, or an old-fashioned bar of Irish Spring. If you’re super paranoid about germs, you can even use some of that anti-bacterial soap (which I think smells godawful, but hey, whatevs). Be sure to rinse well, cause leftover soap residue could irritate your vag/ booty hole/ whatever-body-part the next time you use your little electronic friend.
If your favorite toy is not waterproof, you can still wash it under the tap, just make sure you don’t get any water on the electronic parts, or inside your vibe. If water does get in there, open your device, take out the batteries, and leave it in a warm, dry place to dry out for a while.
For sterilization, just zap your vibrator in the microwave for a few minutes. KIDDING! DON’T DO THAT. For real, though, boil a pot of water on the stove. Then, carefully dip your vibe in there for a minute or two, or carefully pour the boiling water over your vibe (over the sink, of course).
If you live with your ‘rents or other roomies, and you don’t have the sort of kitchen where you can just be boilin’ dildos at all hours, consider using a rubber. Roll a condom onto your faux johnson before use, and just throw it away afterwards (the condom, not the vibrator, just to be clear). This method only works if your vibe is shaped like some sort of penis, and probably wouldn’t be as effective on those little bullet vibes, or the ones shaped like butterflies, or the ones with the rabbit.
The condom method also works well if you share your vibrator with a partner: new condom every time you put that baby in a new hole, and you don’t have to keep running to the bathroom during a long session of battery-operated love making! Even if you and your lover are all tested and everything, you should still clean your vibe or switch the condom between orifices (orifi?). Various unwanted infections and stuff can come up if you’re going ass-mouth-pussy-ass-ear-mouth (or whatever combo you prefer) without proper cleaning at each of those hyphens.
After you’ve cleaned BOB (battery-operated-boyfriend. Ha!) and it’s time to go to bed, store your vibe properly. Keep it in a cool, dry, dark place. Sunlight, extreme heat, and dampness can all work against the mechanisms that keep your toy hummin’. Take the batteries out so that your vibe doesn’t get switched on accidentally and run out of juice. Wrap it in a clean t-shirt, or put it in a cloth bag, so it doesn’t get all dusty and linty. And wrap or bag each toy individually, don’t store them all in a jumble touching each other. Toys of different materials (silicone, latex, plastic, etc) can have weird reactions if they’re rubbing up against each other in your illicit shoe box or bedside drawer. (Hm. I just got this hilarious image of an Adult Toy Story where all the vibrators come alive when you’re not looking and battle for dominance of the bedroom!)
Keep your vibrator clean and it’ll keep you happy!