Every girl has those fond firsts in her life, those life-changing moments. There are those passionate first kisses complete with braces, Capri Suns, and the excuse that an adult will definitely be supervising the party, Mom. There is the first day of college, with the nearly manic RAs welcoming you and other innocent teens to their first year of college. Then, for some exceptional girls, there comes yet another milestone: when she is confidently declared to be a slut.
Some girls are lucky enough to be in the room to witness their induction into true whoredom. Generally, however, we are not present. Unaware of our sudden membership in this girls-only club, we continue through life until perhaps a close confidante tells us we have been initiated by a pimply college boy or another insecure young woman. I was in my freshman year, talking candidly about sex with a junior boy in the dormitory common room. After he bragged about his vast sexual prowess for thirty minutes or so, he asked if I had ever had sex. I said that I had.
Thus, my coronation had arrived: Another freshman non-virgin? Haha, so you re one of those man-eating, slut girls? I know your type . As a naive girl, I had no idea that my sexual history defined me! Maybe you didn 't know that either. But as a veteran, man-appointed slut, I am now certified to instruct other women how to achieve my status. Here are easy ways to get a reputation for being easy:
1. Be a girl!
Sorry gentlemen, this club is strictly for ladies. If you would like to be known as a ladykiller, a guy who gets game, or a guy who pulls, those are all available to you.2. Have sex!
It doesn t matter if it s once, twice, or even just second base. You can have sex with multiple people or just one. Once word gets out, especially in a small town like Dahlonega, everyone has the right to judge you and declare that you are a whore even if they have had a lot of sexual partners as well! You can even be in a relationship with the guy or girl you had sex with! Their bitter exes will still crown you a slut.3. Hang out with lots of guys!
Don t worry, we know it s impossible to be just friends with a guy. If you are hanging out with a lot of men, you must be screwing them all too.4. Dress provocatively (even once, for a Halloween party).
A guy can go in a Speedo and it will be hilarious, but if you are in a bikini, you aren' t funny, just a slut. That' s the rules of the club. Women really can 't be funny anyways (this has been fact checked by five college guys who think Adam Sandler is comedic genius, they' re the experts!).5. Have a nude picture surface!
It doesn 't matter if you post it or if your ex-partner (whom you trusted) leaks it, you are still a whore. Doesn' t even matter if you dated that guy for five years, and he drunkenly tweeted that picture in a vengeance. He isn' t the slut for once begging for and enjoying those pics, you 're the slut for sending them.6. Talk about sex in public.
Obviously anyone who is comfortable discussing sex, even if just to convey information on safe sex, is a slut. People shouldn' t be comfortable talking about an activity that about 75 percent of college students are doing.7. Come out of the closet!
The rule of thumb is that if people are uncomfortable with your sexual choices, they can pronounce you a slut.*Note to bisexuals: you are crowned the sluttiest of sluts. Everyone knows you only date guys and girls for attention, which is what sluts are all about. I mean who dates people of both genders because they actually love and care for the other person, lol.
No comments:
Post a Comment