Anonymous wrote:
I
have been with my SO—let’s call him Justin— for nearly three years. We
met during my college Orientation. I was immediately attracted to
him—his high cheekbones, piercing green eyes, sandy blond hair, and
dazzling smile of perfectly aligned white teeth made it hard not to
be. We really hit it off from the get-go, and we started
“Facebook-official”-ly dating a few weeks into my first year of college.
He is my best friend and confidant, my cheerleader, and who I can
picture spending the rest of my life with. And I am only able to say the
previous sentence with confidence because I have recently cheated on
him.
I never planned to cheat on Justin. It’s
not like we ever hit a point in our relationship where I was miserable
and didn’t see a way out. We have always been happy and have always been
on the same page with each other. I wasn’t falling out of love with
Justin, either. He still gives me that “glittery” feeling when I see him
or when his name pops up on my phone. We take the time to go out on
dates and get ready for each other—it’s almost like every date is our
first date. I never checked off any of the points in those “Signs You’re
Falling Out Of Love” articles on Thought Catalog. I also wasn’t
bored—emotionally or physically—with Justin. Our sex life was, and is,
very active and satisfying for both of us.
I
think part of the reason I cheated on Justin was because prior to
meeting him I had just ended a five-year relationship with someone else.
So eight years of my life have been spent in committed, long-term
relationships, with a very short break in between. That wasn’t planned
either—I just fell head over heels for Justin once I arrived on campus.
In addition, the friends that I have met in college are very much into
the hook-up culture. Every time we chill they have new frat DFMO stories
to tell, new sexcapades to explain, new boys to evaluate. I can only
ever smile or laugh (or cringe) along with their stories, and sprinkle
in advice whenever they ask for it. Their stories made me curious,
though, about what this type of life was like. This was an option that I
had never explored—never even thought about—because for the past eight
years I was solely committed to my long-term relationships. That “what
if” started to linger in the back of my mind.
I cheated on Justin with someone I met in
one of my classes. He is charming, intelligent, funny, and really,
really hot (like,
I-don’t-comprehend-what-you-say-when-you-talk-to-me-because-I’m-hardcore-staring
hot). It was difficult not to be attracted to him as well. After
getting to know him better, I started having sexual feelings toward him,
and my curiosity grew. There was a clear sexual tension between us—a
mutual desire I would venture to say. He knew that I was dating Justin,
and he was respectful of that boundary. But it was me who crossed the
line: I asked him to hangout at my apartment and had very clear
intentions. That “what if” in the back of my mind took over. And the sex
was fantastic. We didn’t make love, but we fucked. Hard. Three times in
a row.
I sometimes
ask myself why I don’t feel guilty about cheating on Justin with my
classmate, or why I don’t feel guilty for enjoying the sex so much. My
answer is always the same: because it was something that I needed to do for me.
I am definitely a feminist, but this had nothing to do with expressing
my freedom as a woman, or general human being for that matter, or
anything along those lines. I am not a bad person without morals. I am
not a “slut”. I did not grow up in a troubled home where my parents
cheated on each other, which in turn never taught me how to love (they
are very much in love–have been since their high school days). I am not
emotionally unavailable or numb. I simply just needed to explore an
option that was always on that metaphorical table; I just never realized
it because of eight years of monogamy. After I cheated on Justin I
realized that the hook-up culture is not for me, and never will be. I
can see why people like it—the rush, the emotional detachment, the fun
and casual sex—but I will not pursue it again. That “what if” has
disappeared from my conscience. Cheating also opened up my eyes to how
much I truly love Justin. I could not picture myself dating or becoming
seriously involved with my classmate (someone who I admire and have an
attraction towards) —a clear sign to me that I will not see myself with anyone other than Justin.
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